I didn't get to give birth to my baby...

A c-section was the absolute last thing that I wanted for my baby and for myself.  I feel like I missed out on so many things.  I never imagined that there would be so much emotional healing from this.

I wanted either Chris or myself to be the first person to touch her in the "outside" world.  Instead she was yanked out by a stranger.

I wanted to give her her first bath.  Instead she was rubbed vigorously by strangers and then bathed by a glove wearing stranger a few hours later while Chris stood back the required few feet and attempted to take photos on my cell phone since I was being taken to my postpartum room.

I wanted her to be born in a peaceful environment.  Instead she was born in a bright and cold room with very worried and stressed out parents.

I wanted to delay cord clamping until it stopped pulsing.  Instead it was immediately clamped.

I wanted to see the umbilical cord and placenta that had sustained her for 42 weeks.  Instead it was disposed of as waste.

I wanted Chris to be able to cut the cord.  Obviously this was not an option.

I wanted immediate skin to skin contact.  Instead I got to hold her for about a minute after she had been wrapped up and I was in my gown.  I didn't remember until about 18 hours later that I wanted to do skin to skin.

I wanted to be able to breastfeed ASAP.  Instead she had to be on monitors and we missed her "wakeful" period. 

I am thankful for a healthy baby and a healthy mom, don't get me wrong.  I just feel robbed and that my body failed me.  Haven't women been giving birth to their babies for hundreds and hundreds of years?  I didn't get to give birth to my baby, instead, I feel like she was yanked from me.  I hope to one day be able to look back on her birth day and smile, but I just can't see that happening anytime soon.  For now, whenever I think about it (which is pretty much all the time), I just cry.