Jealousy

As some of you may know, I was planning a med-free birth center birth for Genevieve.  However, that plan didn't work out and I ended up with a c-section.  This is something I am still struggling to come to terms with.

I guess I could be considered a birth junkie-I like reading birth stories and enjoy talking to women about birth.  However, I must admit that I am jealous when I hear what I consider to be a beautiful birth story.  Basically anything that ends in a healthy baby without a c-section is what I consider to be beautiful.  Even more beautiful are the successful birth center births.

I still go to the birth center where I labored for a weekly breastfeeding support group.  The group is held in the same room where I studied hypnobirthing and dreamed and prepared for my labor.  Part of me still has a really hard time going back there.  I know, it probably sounds crazy.  When I am in that room, I think back to my mindset when we were preparing for her arrival.  I was anticipating this beautiful birth and her birth wasn't what I consider beautiful.  Am I glad that the c-section was available, of course.  I don't know how to explain it.

I also follow an online natural birth board.  Since G's birth though, I can only read a couple of posts before I get too upset and can't read anymore.  I also feel like I have to over explain why I needed a c-section.  I remember before G was born that I would critique every birth story that ended in a c-section...Why didn't they have her change positions, why didn't they do this, why didn't they do that.  I know that c-sections are done at an alarmingly high rate in our country right now.  I hate that I am part of that statistic.

You know what else I hate...I will never be able to have a birth center VBAC in my state.  It is illegal.  I can have a HBAC (home birth after cesarean) or a hospital VBAC.  I am not comfortable with doing a HBAC, so the hospital it will be.  It just sucks.

Then I have this scar to deal with.  The stretchmarks I can handle.  The giant scar, well that is a little bit more difficult to get used to.  It is a constant reminder of my failure as a woman to be able to birth my child.  I feel like I did everything right during pregnancy.  I ate well, I exercised, I did my Kegels, squats, I only gained 28 lbs, etc.  I try to tell myself that by doing everything right, I helped G grow to be strong so that she was able to be born without infection or any other issue. 

I feel like my labor was a tease.  It seemed like she was going to be born at the birth center-they even had the birth supplies on the bed.  But it was just a tease and she wasn't born there.

Then I hear stories from women who didn't take care of themselves and didn't prepare for labor-these are the women that seem to have the easiest labor and delivery.  Oh, the best stories are the ones that go along the lines of "I really wanted an epidural, but there was no time (or whatever), so I HAD to have a med-free birth."  Ugh-talk about rubbing salt in a wound.